god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
