i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
