Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
