she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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