I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
