I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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