got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
