I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
