Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
