there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
