I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
