Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
