GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
