We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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