I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
