I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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