I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
