I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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