He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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