youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
