Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
