her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All the doctor said was why
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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