he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize