I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
