Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
