I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
