I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
