Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
