she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
