Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
