Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
