I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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