Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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