I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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