i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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