My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
