i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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