I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
