I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
