So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think a kid would responsible me up
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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