It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have already put on my inside pants.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
