I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
