He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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