Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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