i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
