i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
