would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
