what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
