That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
