Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
