I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
