I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
