That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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