I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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