were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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