Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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