I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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