anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
