Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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