I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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