She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
