Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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